How do i talk to my child about their adoption?
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Adoption & Disclosure
Cher Engerer & Nadine Agius Disclosing to your child that they are adopted into your family, can be a very daunting and challenging task. Depending on their age, the child may already be asking where they came from, and why they may not look like their parents. Parents often struggle with it, primarily because they do not want to make it seem like the adoption was a bad thing. Parents also feel fearful that they will somehow hurt or damage their child, or even that they will somehow lose the child’s love or affection. It can be sincerely scary for adoptive parents, and it’s also not uncommon for them to feel insecure that their child will be taken away from them, or return to their biological parents. Of course, most of this fears are simply that – fears which have little rational foundings. However, fear is human and we all feel it, and fear can stop us from doing and achieving many important things in life so: ‘we must feel the fear and do it anyway’. It is crucial that children learn they are adopted, as early as possible, and by their parents, rather than learning about it from someone else. Ideally, the child (if possible), will grow up with a felt sense that they know their story, and the fact that they were born in the heart and not the tummy. Ideally, this ‘news’ is not something thrown on them or disclosed to them later in life, when it certainly comes as a surprise and life changing news. The ultimate goal is to reassure the child that they are loved and accepted by their adoptive parents, regardless of their different genetic make-up. This can be done through appreciating the child's identity, and positively tackling issues as they come up will help your child understand that they should acknowledge and be proud of who they are. For example, openly speaking about skin colour is something which will desensitize the child from feeling stigmatized when they go out into the world. If the child is black and the adopted parents are white, this is merely an obvious fact which we mustn’t tip toe around. It is what it is and there is no need to make a drama out of it. Talking about it openly, normalizing that families come in all different shapes, colours and sizes, is of the essence. At any stage of an adopted child’s life with you, it is very important to respect their process, their feelings, their thoughts and their wishes. It is crucial to keep open dialogue with them and consistently ask them how they feel and what they need. It’s important to empathise with their feelings, without too much dramatic sympathy. You can see adoption as an abandonment, but you can also see it as a beautiful opportunity for the child to get what is rightfully theirs – a loving family. The discourse around adoption in the home can make an enormous difference to how the child forms their sense of self and internal narrative. It’s important to be open and not to impose your expectations or feelings into the child. If they are angry, let them be angry and vent it out. If they are sad, let them cry and hold them. If they consider their adoption a blessing, embrace it too. An adopted child I once encountered told me that she knows her biological mother loved her dearly because she gave her the most beautiful gift by sacrificing her life with her, to offer her something better: ‘My mother did a beautiful selfless act of love and I will always be grateful to her’. Some tips on how to disclose to a child who doesn’t know from Day 1, in order to minimise distress: The child must be told as soon as possible. This should ideally occur at home and in private, where the couple should speak to the child together and at a time where there would be no distractions. Two hours should ideally be allocated, to account for discussion of details and answering any questions. It is recommended that if the couple feels inadequate in addressing the task at hand, they could attend a session with a family therapist who can support them. However, the child should have their own safe space to tackle this information. A calm, positive and reassuring approach should be taken, and drama, sensationalism and emotion should be avoided. The couple must be positive about this situation, to help the child accept it as a normal part of their identity. If the couple is emotional and upset, it is likely that the child will be too. A calm and matter-of-fact approach must be taken, for the child to regulate their emotions accordingly, more so for it to be taken as good news. Even if the couple finds it hard to talk to the child about this situation, they must not show it, as they will pick up on it and feel that it is a bad thing. The child should be told in simple terms, without too much elaboration, and they must stick to the basic facts. The story should be kept simple, and given in age-appropriate chunks, for the child to understand it. They must be told the truth but understand that some information may be harmful for the child, so it should be held back. Unless something specific is asked, it should not be a case of full disclosure, as certain aspects are not necessary for the child to know (e.g. information about the intention of biological parents, information about why they did not rear them, or information about the mother’s relationship with the biological father). These things may be a matter of perception anyway, and should be avoided from the discourse. It is a good idea for the couple to write down the story they are going to tell the child from before, so they will both be prepared. They should also think from before of some questions they the child may ask, and what their answers could be. The timing of the disclosure is important, it is not ideal to discuss this before school or before any important event in the child's life. A summary of the discourse can be made along these lines: tell the child that they have two mothers: one who reared them and one who made them in her tummy. The conversation must stay simple, neutral and calm, and not dramatized or emotionally charged. An opening line can be used, such as: “We have something important to tell you because we feel that you are mature enough to understand this news. You actually have two fathers & two mothers” The parents can then pause to wait for their reaction, or to address their questions. This is important, as the less is said, the better. The child does not need to get all the info at one go. In fact, children will ask questions based on what they are ready and willing to handle, process and integrate. The parents should also explain that they did not disclose this information before because they were worried it would hurt the child, and they might have not been ready yet. They could explain that they had the child’s best interests at heart. If the child asks about their biological parents, the adoptive parents should give them some basic information. It is advised that the identity of the biological parents is not disclosed if possible, especially because it has legal implications until the child reaches the age of consent. It could also cause anxiety or premtaure contact between them, which may lead them getting hurt. The parents must be sensitive to the child either becoming upset, confused or asking a lot of questions about the situation. If they become upset, there is no need to panic, but they must empathize by telling them that they understand that they are feeling angry/sad/shocked/confused and tell them that it is normal and ok, and that they will be there for them if they wish to hug or talk more about it. Following the disclosure parents must be aware that their child might be calm when told but react later, and they must be prepared for this. The parents need to be patient if the child wants to talk about the situation again and again, giving them a lot of reassurance, affection, and love. Following the disclosure, they might also be open to further discussing the situation with the child, whenever they wish to and to answer any questions that surface in the future. If the parent notices that the child’s behavior, attitude or emotional reactions change drastically in the following weeks, or they notice that they are struggling intensely with processing the information and integrating it psychologically, it is a good idea to involve some form of supportive counselling or psychotherapy. Family therapy would be helpful for the family. They can also contact the author of this report for more support. |
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