Forgiveness seems to be the hardest thing…

SHAME - HELEN BUR

FORGIVENESS SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST THING - DR REBEKAH CHADWICK
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Whilst sorry seems to be the hardest word, I think that sometimes forgiveness is the hardest thing to do. Particularly forgiveness of ourselves. We often struggle to forgive ourselves for things from our past, mistakes we’ve made or ways we ‘messed up’. I know I still think back to regrets from years ago, things I wish I’d handled differently, people I hurt and lost connection with along the way. 

Struggling to forgive ourselves can link into all sorts of difficulties. These include difficulties with grief, low mood and depression, and self-harm. It can complicate our grief reactions, making it harder to cope after a loss or after someone dies. We might replay all the things we think we should have done differently, the times we shouldn’t have said this or that, the times we missed an opportunity to tell them how much they meant to us… these become the things we can’t forgive ourselves for. 

Similarly, depression and low mood is often fuelled by anger towards ourselves and difficulties forgiving ourselves. Shame can be a significant factor, and we may berate and criticise ourselves, ‘why did you do that? How could you? What were you thinking?!’. Sometimes, we might think we don’t deserve forgiveness, that we don’t deserve a happy life, that we deserve pain and punishment instead. This can lead to behaving in ways that hurt ourselves or limit our happiness, perhaps even self-harm. ​

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Experiencing thoughts or urges about harming ourselves is actually quite common, though it’s often something we don’t talk openly about. There are many reasons why people might harm themselves, and struggling with forgiveness might be part of it. It’s often circular, too; in the aftermath of self-harm, it’s common to feel guilty and ashamed, and the act of harm might become something that’s hard to forgive. 

Forgiveness can be a powerful catalyst to move towards a more contented life. Forgiving ourselves is about allowing ourselves to move on from past experiences, without holding on to self-punishing thoughts and feelings. This involves tolerating difficult feelings of distress, regret, remorse, guilt, and maybe shame. It often includes trying to repair relationships and showing others that we’re sorry for any hurt we’ve caused. In my experience, we’re often slower to forgive ourselves than those around us are. If this sounds familiar, it can be helpful to think how we might respond if someone had done what we did, would we forgive them more easily than we’re forgiving ourselves? It can also be helpful to choose to try to treat ourselves like our friends and loved ones do – to show ourselves the same compassion that others show us, to trust them when they say, ‘it’s ok, I hear that you’re sorry, I forgive you’. 

Sometimes, though, those around us are struggling with forgiveness too. They might not readily welcome us back into their lives, they might be struggling with their own feelings of anger, pain and resentment. They might not be ready to forgive. This can make it harder for us to forgive ourselves. But even in these difficult situations, we can choose to practise forgiveness and compassion – compassionately accepting their position, forgiving them and choosing to forgive ourselves too. Our apology doesn’t demand their forgiveness. Being compassionate towards them includes respecting where they’re at. 

I think that compassion is key in forgiveness. Bringing in compassion opens up a space where forgiveness can grow. Developing compassion for ourselves and others is about treating ourselves and others with warmth, kindness, non-judgement and respect. So, in the context of forgiving ourselves, it’s showing care towards the part of us that did something regrettable, reducing judgement towards ourselves and respecting that we’re remorseful and want to behave better in future. This isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook or discounting our responsibility for our actions or misdemeanours. But it is about accepting that we’re human and that sometimes we ‘mess up’, acknowledging the struggles that might have affected our behaviour, and trusting that we all deserve to be forgiven. My view is that forgiveness is open to everyone, where there’s remorse and a genuine desire to change.

Forgiveness might not come immediately, whether it’s towards yourself or towards others who’ve hurt you. It’s a choice, a practise, an active process. Some days might be harder than others. Some things will undoubtedly be easier to forgive than others. But without compassion as the foundation, our forgiveness is shaky and unstable. So if forgiveness feels like an impossibility, try starting with a bit of compassion. Taking an attitude of self-compassion includes treating ourselves kindly on the days when forgiveness feels hardest, when the self-criticism is loudest and the shame is strongest. Those are probably the days when we need self-compassion most of all. 
If you’re struggling with thoughts about hurting yourself, reach out and talk to someone. 

Home Tasks to help us forgive ourselves (by Cher Engerer):

1. Write a letter to a past version of yourself explaining how you feel about the things you regret, putting context to what happened, and forgiving yourself for your mistakes
2. Collect a bucket of pebbles and write on them with permanent marker or acrylic paint. Write names or things from your past which you are sorry about and go somewhere by the sea. Hold each one in your hand and say ‘I let you go’. Then fling it into the ocean.
3. Choose three catch phrases which you can repeat to yourself every time you’re feeling shame or guilt e.g. You’re only human’, ‘You did your best’, ‘We live and learn’, ‘We all mess up’. Record yourself saying them and play it as often as you can until it becomes engrained in you.
4. Write letters to all the people you feel you have let down, or if you feel comfortable enough, even Facebook messages to people from your past, telling them you are sorry and simultaneously giving yourself permission to forgive yourself too.